Dear Phoebe,
I read this blog recently, which made me smile and cry, and I thought I would steal the idea and write similar to you (as well as borrowing parts of that blog). So here goes....
While I nurse you to sleep...
I rest. I don't spend much time sitting down while you're awake, unless we sit to have milk. In the stillness of the evening I slowly relax onto your green rocking chair and let my mind and body stop. You gaze into my eyes and look at me in a totally trusting, loving, peaceful way.
Slowly, you snuggle closer, and each part of you relaxes. Your eyes close, your breathing settles and you slowly fall asleep. I gaze at you a few moments longer, then slide away from you and place you in your bed, kissing your little cheek as I leave you to rest.
While I nurse you to sleep...
I take stock. I think about how lucky I am to have you and your big sister. I contemplate the washing mountain that is building up, the clean things that need putting away, the dry things on the airer that need taking down, and the basket of wet washing that needs hanging up. I work out how old I'll be when you are the age I am now - thirty one.......sixty! I hope I'll still see your smile. I plan the lessons I'll teach tomorrow, I think of the children I'll see, I count the books I'll mark.
While I nurse you to sleep...
I make plans. In my head, I write blog posts that usually don't get written! I mentally write lists of things I should do, and things I want to do. I wonder what you'll think when you look back at our time together. I hope you'll believe I did the right things for you and Esther, I hope you'll understand that I did everything I could for you both. I plan the fun things we'll do on our "girls' days", I think of the things I thought we'd do that we've never done. I plan to be a better mum.......I plan to accept myself as the mother I am. I hope it's good enough.
While I nurse you to sleep...
I time travel. I see your face looking at me and remember the times when I nursed Esther in just the same way. Lying cuddled with me, you look just the same, and I'm grateful that I was able to feed both of you and give you the health benefits and snuggles of nursing. I remember places I've been, and people I've known. I think of places I would like to take you, memories I'd like to share with you, things I think you should know. I remember people who had an impact on my life, people I've lost touch with, people I'd like to see again. I look back on decisions I've made and wonder if they were the right ones, knowing in my heart that without those decisions I would not be sat with you in my arms, and realising that they must have been right as they got me to this moment in time. I fast forward to the future and wonder what it will bring, for me, for you, for us. I wish you happiness and love.
While I nurse you to sleep...
I feel frustrated. I think of all the other things I could be doing with this hour. I watch every evening melting away into a sea of nursing, nursing, nursing to sleep. Tiny teeth grate against my skin and I wish I could be somewhere else, anywhere, but here. I think of friends who tell me that their baby sleeps all night and I decide that I am mad or weird and wish I could be normal and 'put my baby down with a bottle' at seven pm and shut the door...and get dressed up, and go out dancing. You claw at me, and ask for more, and I try to hold my breath, hold my nerve, hold my patience. I hold you.
While I nurse you to sleep...
I notice. Sitting with you in the peace and quiet of the evening gives me time to look at you, really look at you. I see your eyes, like your Daddy's only bluer. I see your nose, the same cute button nose as your sister. I see your hair, waving all over the place like mine. I see how you are a part of each of us, as we are of you. I watch your breathing, stroke your face and hold you close to me. I wonder what you think about your 'milk', wonder when it will end....this time together just the two of us cuddled close as one.
Thank you Phoebe, for the privilege of nursing you to sleep. Thank you for being you.
All my love (and milk!),
Mummy x
