Tomorrow.....

Dear Phoebe,

It's been a long time since I've blogged on here. And not many blog posts away from this one is one where I wrote to Esther to tell her to enjoy school. Well, amazingly, today is the day for that message to you.

It's so hard to believe.

You. Phoebe. Doodles. Double Trouble. How can you possibly be going to school? I wasn't ready for Esther to go, but you......no way. Esther's now a big Year 2. She's almost 7 and I'm burying my head in the sand about that. But as I put you to bed tonight, your eyes shone and your literally shook with the excitement of school tomorrow. I know you'll love it, and I know you'll do brilliantly.

I'll miss you so much, Since leaving teaching and starting to work shifts, I've had more time with you than before. Mornings before an early shift, and those days off in the week. They have been Mummy days. And we've loved them. Part of me felt guilty today for not doing exciting things with you, but I know we have enjoyed just being together. Phoebe and Mummy. Fabulous.

So go enjoy tomorrow. It's the next step on a new journey but not the end of the old one. We'll still have our time. I'll always be here for you baby.

This is the advice I gave to Esther and it holds for you too :

Enjoy every moment, and be the very best you can.

I love you Phoebe Faith.

Love, Mummy x

Shine Esther Shine

Dear Esther,

Tomorrow is your last day of Reception. A whole school year has passed since I wrote the blog hoping your teacher would see your shining light and nurture it. And I'm pleased to say the staff at Whittle have helped you shine that light and let it blaze. You have done so well. You loved school from the first day, and I don't think we've ever had a battle to get you there in a morning. Your teachers and support staff have been fabulous, and a meeting with an RE inspector recently where lots of parents talked about why they love the school really affirmed that we had made the right choice for you.

Your recent school report speaks highly of you. You're still very adult centered and would sit talking with the staff all day if you could, but you play happily with the other children and have even recently told me that Zack is your boyfriend! Your reading and writing have come on in leaps and bounds, and looking at your school work just shows that progress.

Today was 'Reception Graduation'. All of your classmates had decided what they were good at and told the parents, including demonstrations. You decided you had made massive progress in singing. For which you and another little girl stood in the middle of the stage and sang 'Shine Jesus Shine'. The adults and school choir sang the verses and then two little voices filled the hall with the sound of the chorus. Amazing. You then all shared your favourite memory of the year accompanied by photos. Yours was, "Mummy coming in to talk about teddy bears" which is lovely!

They ended the assembly by trying to make all the parents cry by playing the song 'Let Them Be Little' by Billy Dean. The lyrics are lovely, and as my last few blog posts have all contained poems or lyrics, I thought I'd continue. This one reminds me that, despite all the progress you continue to make and the teenage attitude we often see(!), you're still just little. My little girl.

Let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while

Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day

Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle

Oh just let them be little

What a fabulous year. We are very proud parents. And your love for your beautiful wee sister still shines through. In fact, one comment on the report said something about you often being found writing cards to Phoebe.

So, as I said to you when we read your report, all you need to do is keep trying just as hard. And I know you will.
Your very very proud,
Mummy x

Don't grow up too soon

Dear girls,

It's been a long time since I blogged. I'm sorry. I kept thinking I should, but life is so busy. I thought about it after your Christmas performances when you were a fabulous Angel and a cheerleader(!); at Christmas when you were so delighted and grateful for your many many gifts; the many days when you have made me smile. I thought about it, but never did it.

Recently Phoebe has been loving Pooh's Heffalump Movie and in it Kanga puts Roo to bed and sings him a song. It makes me cry. The lyrics say :
Little Mister Roo
Reaching for the moon
So many things you've got to do
And no time for dreaming

Little Mister Roo
Let the stars shine over you
Don't grow up too fast too soon
Save some time for dreaming
Settle in, settle down
Let me see that sleepy yawn on your face
Close your eyes
I will love you completely
And always

Little Mister Roo
The moon shines silver over you
No one knows you like I do
And little Mister Roo
Reaching for the moon
Don't grow up too fast
Too soon

It just makes me think. E is 5 1/2 and growing up so fast. You're beautiful, tall, blonde and leggy. A mum's nightmare! You're doing really well at school, loving reading and maths, with lots of friends (especially your Year 5 buddy!) and such a  happy disposition. P is almost 3. Almost 3?! How is that possible?! It doesn't seem very long since you were a tiny tiny baby. You're loving nursery, learning all the time. A chatterbox like your sister and so very grateful for everything. When you get dressed in a morning, you ask who bought your clothes and then want to go and thank them for buying them!

Time flies when you have children, and I want to grab every moment and remember it. I wish I didn't have to work and could spend more moments with you, but I'm on a mission to make the most of the times we have. The cuddles, the love, the smiles. You're amazing!

So little Miss Tessie and Miss Phoebe, reaching for the moon.
Don't grow up too fast,
Too soon.

xxx

Identity Crisis

Dear Phoebe,

We named you Phoebe Faith. It was my choice of name, and Daddy agreed when he saw you arrive in the world. It's a beautiful name, taken from Paul's letter to the Romans in the Bible. Romans 16:1 says, "I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a deacon of the church in Cenchreae." - she was obviously an important woman in the early Christian church.

Somehow you got the nickname Doodles. I couldn't tell you where it comes from, but you're often called Phoebe-Doo, or Phoebe-Doodles, or just Doodles, which you happily answer to. Even Grandma and Grandpa call you Doodles at times! Esther even shortens that to Doo.

But recently, you've adopted lots of other personalities. You and Esther enjoy playing mummies. Sometimes you get your preferred role of Mummy, but sometimes you have to give in and be the baby; only the baby is always called Babes. Not sure where that came from, but whichever of you takes that role gets the name. If you're not playing mummies, you are friends, so you have to be called Friend. At those times I'm not allowed to use Phoebe to call you.

You are also (apparently!) a rabbit. Not just any kind, but a Baby Rabbit. There are times I'm expected to address you as such. At those times, I'm Mummy Rabbit, Daddy is Daddy Rabbit and Esther is Sister Rabbit. Oh and not forgetting the cat, on whom we bestowed the confusing non-feline name of Monkey. At Bunny-related moments, she is Monkey-Rabbit. Yes, Monkey-Rabbit....she's a cat. Hmmmm! And if all the Rabbits weren't tricky enough, you have a cuddly rabbit; she's called Little Girly. How logical!

There was a day your wet boots squeaked as you got into the car. That day you were Baby Mouse....all day. Well, until you changed (unannounced!) to one of the other names. It's hard work keeping up.

You are very patient though. I often call you other names, again I have no idea where they come from. For example I have called you Beans, Sausage, Gorgeous and Angel. The last one causes great upset as you tell me in no uncertain terms that you are "not a angel"! (Amusingly, I had a note from nursery today to say you are an Angel in the Christmas nativity.....see, Mummy is always right!!)

On a final note about names, you have always struggled to say Esther, with it coming out without the /s/, sounding like E-der. Your lovely sister has been very patient and allows you to say it 'wrong' without getting cross. Recently you have been able to tell it's not quite right. You know it is wrong if I say E-der, but you couldn't do it correctly. We weren't worried - I'm aware /s/ is one of the later sounds to be pronounced. But to the delight of both you and your sister, last night you suddenly starting making the /s/ sound, and can now say Esther. We are all very proud of you Phoebe, Baby Rabbit, Doodles, Little One....or whoever you are today.

Whichever name you choose, always know I love you Phoebe Faith.
Mummy x

New and exciting.

Dear Esther,

Tomorrow is a big day. Your first day at school. Wow, that has come around fast. I remember the day you came screaming into the world, I remember cuddling you as a tiny baby on the sofa, I even remember your first day at nursery, but school...I'm not sure how we got here so fast!

Your uniform is all named and set out ready for tomorrow, your bag has dinner money in it, and your water bottle (with owls on of course!) is sitting in the kitchen ready to be filled in the morning. I'm lucky, I get to take you school on your first day. As a teacher, I've watched lots of children arrive for their first day at school, and I've seen lots of parents wipe a tear (or two!) from their eyes as they walked out of the door. Now it's my turn, and I fear there may be a tear or two.

I shall miss you little Bear. I shall miss our day together in the week. We've had lots of fun and laughter on our girls' days. Phoebe and  I will be looking forward to picking you up on Thursdays. I hope you'll be as funny, sweet, polite and clever for your teachers as you are for me. I hope you're a little less stroppy though! I know you'll do well. You want to know everything, you're ready to learn, and you're so excited.

I found this poem, which sums it up quite well :

I wonder what you’re doing right now,

If everyone is treating you kind.

I hope there is a Special person,

A nice friend that you can find.

I wonder if the teacher knows,

Just how special you are to me.

If the brightness of your heart

is something she can see.

I wonder if you are thinking about me,

or if you need a hug.

I already miss the sound of your voice,

and how you give my leg a tug.

I wonder if you can understand

how hard it is for me to let you grow,

on this day know that my heart breaks,

      as this is the first step in letting my baby go.

So with a slightly chipped heart I shall hand you over tomorrow to Mrs. Fleming. I only hope she sees the shining light that burns in you, and nurtures it well. Enjoy it little Bear. Enjoy every moment, and be the very best you can.

Love you always,

Mummy x

Gazing up....

Dear Phoebe,

Tonight I watched as Daddy read your bedtime stories. You had chosen Noah, as always (how many times have we read that story?!) and Esther had chosen Peace at Last. Daddy read it with gusto....and sound effects. As he made all the funny noises in the story, you gazed up at him and it made me think. Will you always look up to your Daddy? Will he always be your hero? He's not perfect, trust me darling, he's not. But he's a good Daddy and he loves you to the moon and back.

I hope you have a hero. Someone to look up to. I can't imagine what music and celebrity will be doing by the time you're a teenager. We've been watching the 2012 Olympics for the last two weeks, and you've enjoyed that. There has been talk about how we should be encouraging our children to look up to these athletes, rather than the 'celebrities' they are surrounded by. They are certainly more deserving of the adoration.

You're growing up fast, and still hilarious. Currently you want to be a bunny. Amusing for Daddy and I, as we called you Bunny before you were born....Esther was Bear and you were Bunny. Strange how they have both stuck.

You start a new nursery in September, as we've moved you to make drop offs and pick ups easier. I hope you settle in there as well as you were settled at the old one. You're a sociable wee thing, so I'm sure you will. You had such love for the staff at the old nursery. You ran through the door to Carol every morning, with no backwards glance, and having a staff member called Phoebe was just the best thing ever for you.....especially as you were in Phoebe's group. You found it hilarious.

Keep smiling and laughing, little Bunny. Keep looking up to your gorgeous big sister, and reach for the stars.
Love you,
Mummy x

While I nurse you to sleep...

Dear Phoebe,


I read this blog recently, which made me smile and cry, and I thought I would steal the idea and write similar to you (as well as borrowing parts of that blog). So here goes....


While I nurse you to sleep... 
I rest.  I don't spend much time sitting down while you're awake, unless we sit to have milk. In the stillness of the evening I slowly relax onto your green rocking chair and let my mind and body stop. You gaze into my eyes and look at me in a totally trusting, loving, peaceful way.
Slowly, you snuggle closer, and each part of you relaxes. Your eyes close, your breathing settles and you slowly fall asleep.  I gaze at you a few moments longer, then slide away from you and place you in your bed, kissing your little cheek as I leave you to rest.

While I nurse you to sleep...
I take stock. I think about how lucky I am to have you and your big sister. I contemplate the washing mountain that is building up, the clean things that need putting away, the dry things on the airer that need taking down, and the basket of wet washing that needs hanging up. I work out how old I'll be when you are the age I am now - thirty one.......sixty! I hope I'll still see your smile. I plan the lessons I'll teach tomorrow, I think of the children I'll see, I count the books I'll mark.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I make plans. In my head, I write blog posts that usually don't get written! I mentally write lists of things I should do, and things I want to do. I wonder what you'll think when you look back at our time together. I hope you'll believe I did the right things for you and Esther, I hope you'll understand that I did everything I could for you both. I plan the fun things we'll do on our "girls' days", I think of the things I thought we'd do that we've never done. I plan to be a better mum.......I plan to accept myself as the mother I am. I hope it's good enough.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I time travel.  I see your face looking at me and remember the times when I nursed Esther in just the same way. Lying cuddled with me, you look just the same, and I'm grateful that I was able to feed both of you and give you the health benefits and snuggles of nursing. I remember places I've been, and people I've known. I think of places I would like to take you, memories I'd like to share with you, things I think you should know. I remember people who had an impact on my life, people I've lost touch with, people I'd like to see again. I look back on decisions I've made and wonder if they were the right ones, knowing in my heart that without those decisions I would not be sat with you in my arms, and realising that they must have been right as they got me to this moment in time. I fast forward to the future and wonder what it will bring, for me, for you, for us. I wish you happiness and love.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I feel frustrated. I think of all the other things I could be doing with this hour. I watch every evening melting away into a sea of nursing, nursing, nursing to sleep. Tiny teeth grate against my skin and I wish I could be somewhere else, anywhere, but here. I think of friends who tell me that their baby sleeps all night and I decide that I am mad or weird and wish I could be normal and 'put my baby down with a bottle' at seven pm and shut the door...and get dressed up, and go out dancing. You claw at me, and ask for more, and I try to hold my breath, hold my nerve, hold my patience. I hold you.

While I nurse you to sleep...
I notice. Sitting with you in the peace and quiet of the evening gives me time to look at you, really look at you. I see your eyes, like your Daddy's only bluer. I see your nose, the same cute button nose as your sister. I see your hair, waving all over the place like mine. I see how you are a part of each of us, as we are of you. I watch your breathing, stroke your face and hold you close to me. I wonder what you think about your 'milk', wonder when it will end....this time together just the two of us cuddled close as one.


Thank you Phoebe, for the privilege of nursing you to sleep. Thank you for being you.


All my love (and milk!),
Mummy x