While I nurse you to sleep...

Dear Phoebe,


I read this blog recently, which made me smile and cry, and I thought I would steal the idea and write similar to you (as well as borrowing parts of that blog). So here goes....


While I nurse you to sleep... 
I rest.  I don't spend much time sitting down while you're awake, unless we sit to have milk. In the stillness of the evening I slowly relax onto your green rocking chair and let my mind and body stop. You gaze into my eyes and look at me in a totally trusting, loving, peaceful way.
Slowly, you snuggle closer, and each part of you relaxes. Your eyes close, your breathing settles and you slowly fall asleep.  I gaze at you a few moments longer, then slide away from you and place you in your bed, kissing your little cheek as I leave you to rest.

While I nurse you to sleep...
I take stock. I think about how lucky I am to have you and your big sister. I contemplate the washing mountain that is building up, the clean things that need putting away, the dry things on the airer that need taking down, and the basket of wet washing that needs hanging up. I work out how old I'll be when you are the age I am now - thirty one.......sixty! I hope I'll still see your smile. I plan the lessons I'll teach tomorrow, I think of the children I'll see, I count the books I'll mark.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I make plans. In my head, I write blog posts that usually don't get written! I mentally write lists of things I should do, and things I want to do. I wonder what you'll think when you look back at our time together. I hope you'll believe I did the right things for you and Esther, I hope you'll understand that I did everything I could for you both. I plan the fun things we'll do on our "girls' days", I think of the things I thought we'd do that we've never done. I plan to be a better mum.......I plan to accept myself as the mother I am. I hope it's good enough.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I time travel.  I see your face looking at me and remember the times when I nursed Esther in just the same way. Lying cuddled with me, you look just the same, and I'm grateful that I was able to feed both of you and give you the health benefits and snuggles of nursing. I remember places I've been, and people I've known. I think of places I would like to take you, memories I'd like to share with you, things I think you should know. I remember people who had an impact on my life, people I've lost touch with, people I'd like to see again. I look back on decisions I've made and wonder if they were the right ones, knowing in my heart that without those decisions I would not be sat with you in my arms, and realising that they must have been right as they got me to this moment in time. I fast forward to the future and wonder what it will bring, for me, for you, for us. I wish you happiness and love.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I feel frustrated. I think of all the other things I could be doing with this hour. I watch every evening melting away into a sea of nursing, nursing, nursing to sleep. Tiny teeth grate against my skin and I wish I could be somewhere else, anywhere, but here. I think of friends who tell me that their baby sleeps all night and I decide that I am mad or weird and wish I could be normal and 'put my baby down with a bottle' at seven pm and shut the door...and get dressed up, and go out dancing. You claw at me, and ask for more, and I try to hold my breath, hold my nerve, hold my patience. I hold you.

While I nurse you to sleep...
I notice. Sitting with you in the peace and quiet of the evening gives me time to look at you, really look at you. I see your eyes, like your Daddy's only bluer. I see your nose, the same cute button nose as your sister. I see your hair, waving all over the place like mine. I see how you are a part of each of us, as we are of you. I watch your breathing, stroke your face and hold you close to me. I wonder what you think about your 'milk', wonder when it will end....this time together just the two of us cuddled close as one.


Thank you Phoebe, for the privilege of nursing you to sleep. Thank you for being you.


All my love (and milk!),
Mummy x

Updates, new stuff and much fun

Dear girls,
Welcome to 2012! I can't believe it's now the middle of March and I haven't written anything. So much has happened, and I don't know where to start!

As I wrote last time, we have moved house. Bamber Bridge is lovely, the house is perfect and we are all loving it. You girls have a lovely bedroom, and now have big girls' beds! Even little P who isn't yet two has a grown up bed! Gorgeous. The lounge is huge and airy, the dining room (though needing patio doors to the outside!) is lovely if we ignore the decor, and has lots of room for toys. The kitchen is nice, and the garden is amazing! Well, not amazing to lots of people, but from nothing, it's truly fab! The trampoline is a great hit and we've had so much fun bouncing!

We've found a lovely church and you have some fun friends there. All is good!

E, you're all grown up! 4 1/2 and so fabulous. You love your wee sister so much, always cuddling and looking after her. You do all kinds of jobs to help me.....thank you so much! You're very excited about starting school. Still a few months to go, and we don't find out which school you will go to until the end of April.. You're hoping for the one you call 'the red school'....fingers crossed! I just can't believe you're old enough. If you had been born 32 days earlier, you'd be halfway through your first year at school. Madness. You're my baby! Still, I know you're ready for it. You've suddenly started reading. We got a first phonics book from the library last week and you just picked it up and read it cover to cover. Amazing! I'm so proud of you little one!

P, you're growing up fast too. Almost 2 years old. Where did the time go? When you lie in my arms having milk, I still see you as a tiny bear. Then you jump up, toddle off and talk to me, and I know you're not a baby really. You adore your big sister, and look just like her. On Monday I came into the Tweenie room at nursery to collect you and for once I was without E as she  had gone to wash her hands. You shouted "E-der" (you struggle with the /s/ sound!) and looked round for her. You were most put out. Then she appeared, your little face lit up and you wrapped your arms around her. Moments like that melt my heart! You truly are best friends.

Girls, I adore you. Thank you for making my life complete. It was Mothers' Day last Sunday, and I just spent the day counting my blessings, and thanking God for two little girls, and their Daddy, who truly make me complete.

God bless,
Mummy x

New adventures!

Dear Girls,

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while...I've been a bit busy. New and exciting things are afoot. Tomorrow we pick up the keys for our new house! Yes, we're moving.

We've had our house on the market for the last four years, since E was a tiny baby. No-one was interested, until some friends wanted to buy it to rent out. So now we're hours away from owning a new house....complete with a garden and a garage which were the two things E asked for.

It took you a little while to come round to the idea Esther. I guess when you're 4, the concept of 'moving house' is a little abstract. Still, I think you understand it now. You're certainly very excited about it.  We are as well. It is exciting, although a little daunting.

Daddy and I both feel like it's far too grown up a house for us! Madness eh?! I hope it's going to be a lovely family home.  It does feel odd to be leaving here too. Daddy has never lived outside the Valley in his living memory (he moved here when he was only 2), so he's understandably nervous. I just keep thinking about leaving this little house. It is a lovely house and a fabulous home. So much has happened here. Daddy and I bought it just before we got married, and it was the house we came home to the day after our wedding. We lived here, started careers here, conceived both of you here (sorry girls, was that too much information?!), and brought you both home here as tiny babies.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new adventure for our wee family.  Let's go girls, let's go enjoy that garden and lovely house!

Looking forward to lots of new experiences with you two.
Love,
Mummy x

Giggles and growing

Dear P,

I blogged about your sisters birthday recently, but it seems you're the one who is growing up quickly! Every day I seem to see something about you that is that little bit more grown up. I'm not sure where my tiny baby went!

You've moved out of the Baby Room at Nursery - now you're a Tweenie and loving it! You're loving playing outside on their fabulous outdoor area and climbing in the tunnel. You're also travelling in more grown up style, as we've finally moved you out of your baby car seat, into a forward facing set, just like E's. You think it's hilarious and E loves to hold your hand, or the two of you play passing things between you and giggling like a pair of loons.

Giggling is something you do a lot of! If you're not giggling when being tickled, you're up to mischief with your sister and giggling away in a corner of the house. Lots of things make you laugh.A few nights ago you were having your bedtime feed, when you looked at my left breast and giggled, then chortled, then laughed hilariously! I have no idea what was so funny, but it took you ages to feed, and when you did it was with a real smile in your eyes.

You know your own mind, and now you're saying yes and no and we certainly know what you are after! You always make yourself understood and every day new words are appearing. I didn't know you knew the word 'bowl' until you demanded one for your fruit flakes a few weeks ago! An amusing word to know and always well used!

And then there are new words......on Saturday evening we had been watching Strictly Come Dancing (for which you had picked up a cushion, and sat on the floor to watch!) and we were crawling round the floor laughing together, when you picked up a toy. It's a small stuffed rabbit-like creature - Little Nutbrown Hare from the story 'Guess How Much I Love You' (which I have blogged about previously as one of E's favourites). After you had cuddled the animal for a while, it was time for bed so I asked if you were bring Nutbrown Hare. You looked at me in a slightly confused way, and put the hare on your head! You did wonder why I was now the one laughing hilariously!

Keep laughing little one, and I'm certain you'll keep us laughing.
Yours, with giggles and love,
Mummy x

Happy Birthday Esther Bear!

Four.

That's a big number.  Well, it certainly feels like a big number to me! Four years ago you were born, a tiny screaming little Bear. I'd say I remember it well. but I was under general anaesthetic when you appeared in the world.

Four years on, and it seems like only yesterday! This weekend was your birthday. You asked for a party just like last year, so we hired the church centre and a bouncy castle, and invited all the people on your list! I always do as you tell me.

The requested present was a bike.....preferably with space for Milly to ride too. Happily a gorgeous bike was wrapped nicely for you for Sunday morning, and Milly enjoyed her ride along the pavement as you learned slowly to push the pedals forwards every time! Other favourites included a microphone, which has been sung into an awful lot, and a pram....a big girls' pram(!)....for Milly. She has been a very lucky doll!

So now you're four. Time to be more grown up than ever. Now you're planning Christmas, and also talking a lot about school next year. We were chatting the other day about school, and you asked whether we would still have a girls' day....it broke my heart a little to tell you that you would have to go to school every weekday, so you wouldn't be having a girls' day. I didn't dare to tell you that P would still have a Mummy day! Maybe we'll cross that bridge another day eh?!

Well, four is the new three. I'm hoping that this year for you will bring a new house, a garden to play in, a new school, new friends and who knows what else?! As long as it's the four of us together, it'll be fabulous!

Loving you always,
Mummy x

Letters and Sounds

Dear E,

I have posted before (multiple times!) about your love of books. You have always loved stories and we always read at bedtime. One long time favourite are the Apple Tree Farm stories. I don't think you've realised there is a duck hiding in every picture waiting for you to find it, but the stories are often read. You have to "read" the first page - This is Apple Tree Farm. This is Mrs Boot the farmer. She has two children called Poppy and Sam and a dog called Rusty.

You say it with such pride. I can imagine you in your first school assembly, or nativity play, reciting the lines you have practised again and again. It's lovely to see your face as you think you can read it.

I would love to teach you to read. I'd love to unlock that love for words....and books. The thrill of being able to decode the squiggles on the page is immense. I've been putting it off as I don't want you to be labelled at school as a teacher's daughter, and for your teachers to think I'm a pushy mum. I'm not.....yet! Although your obsession with sounds and letters is growing. Tonight driving home you were talking about 'needing' a trumpet (which made me laugh anyway!), but then you sounded it out; "t...r...u...p...i....t". I was so impressed. Maybe we'll start a bit of letter/sound recognition soon eh?!

You're also still hilarious. You adore Sarah, a nursery nurse at Little Acorns. She is apparently your best ever friend, equal only to Phoebe in your love! She teaches you all kinds of little phrases - the latest was "I'm worth it"....a lot like the L'Oreal advert. Sounds very cute coming from your little mouth!

The love for Phoebe knows no bounds though. You would do anything for her, give anything to her and share everything with her. Walking out of nursery tonight, you were talking about a cake you had made and decorated today, while carrying it out to the car. You told Phoebe (completely unprompted) that you would share it with her when we got home....and you did. So so kind.

You're a star, and I love you,

Mummy xxx

It's been a while...

Dear girls,

Sorry I haven't written for a while. I'm not sure why, you have done plenty of fabulous things, but I haven't had the words to write. Today I'm trying to repair that.

You've both grown up a lot since I last wrote. E you have grown physically. You used to be quite small for your age, but now (at nearly 4.....where did the time go?!!) you've suddenly shot up in height. You're blonde and leggy! Definitely beautiful, and very cheeky! You still think you're in charge and your favourite word is still 'Why?' but your grin and sparkly blue eyes make me smile constantly.

You have a new favourite film - the Wizard of Oz. I had to buy you a Dorothy costume, shortly followed by Dorothy shoes(!) and we have watched the film so many times! And you have learned lots of new nursery rhymes - mainly read to you by Grandpa and now being read back to him. Talking of reading, you're obsessed by initial sounds. We spend a lot of our car journeys with you working out what sounds different words start with. You love to 'read' books you know well. Especially the first page of the Apple Tree Farm books!!! We love Mrs Boot, Poppy and Sam.

P, you have made massive progress recently...finally learning to walk unaided! You have been pootling around holding our hands for months, but last Sunday you finally let go of the furniture decisively and walked across the room. We all clapped, and you proceeded to do it again and again! On Wednesday, I bought you your first shoes! I'm glad that you love them, and you regularly ask me in your own special way to put them on for you.

You're a bookworm like your sister. You spend half your days bringing me the little books for me to read to you. You are very good at tidying up though. If I offer you a box or bag, you'll put everything away it in very carefully!

Girls, you are both so fabulous. You make me smile every day. I love you.

Mummy x