Tomorrow.....

Dear Phoebe,

It's been a long time since I've blogged on here. And not many blog posts away from this one is one where I wrote to Esther to tell her to enjoy school. Well, amazingly, today is the day for that message to you.

It's so hard to believe.

You. Phoebe. Doodles. Double Trouble. How can you possibly be going to school? I wasn't ready for Esther to go, but you......no way. Esther's now a big Year 2. She's almost 7 and I'm burying my head in the sand about that. But as I put you to bed tonight, your eyes shone and your literally shook with the excitement of school tomorrow. I know you'll love it, and I know you'll do brilliantly.

I'll miss you so much, Since leaving teaching and starting to work shifts, I've had more time with you than before. Mornings before an early shift, and those days off in the week. They have been Mummy days. And we've loved them. Part of me felt guilty today for not doing exciting things with you, but I know we have enjoyed just being together. Phoebe and Mummy. Fabulous.

So go enjoy tomorrow. It's the next step on a new journey but not the end of the old one. We'll still have our time. I'll always be here for you baby.

This is the advice I gave to Esther and it holds for you too :

Enjoy every moment, and be the very best you can.

I love you Phoebe Faith.

Love, Mummy x

Shine Esther Shine

Dear Esther,

Tomorrow is your last day of Reception. A whole school year has passed since I wrote the blog hoping your teacher would see your shining light and nurture it. And I'm pleased to say the staff at Whittle have helped you shine that light and let it blaze. You have done so well. You loved school from the first day, and I don't think we've ever had a battle to get you there in a morning. Your teachers and support staff have been fabulous, and a meeting with an RE inspector recently where lots of parents talked about why they love the school really affirmed that we had made the right choice for you.

Your recent school report speaks highly of you. You're still very adult centered and would sit talking with the staff all day if you could, but you play happily with the other children and have even recently told me that Zack is your boyfriend! Your reading and writing have come on in leaps and bounds, and looking at your school work just shows that progress.

Today was 'Reception Graduation'. All of your classmates had decided what they were good at and told the parents, including demonstrations. You decided you had made massive progress in singing. For which you and another little girl stood in the middle of the stage and sang 'Shine Jesus Shine'. The adults and school choir sang the verses and then two little voices filled the hall with the sound of the chorus. Amazing. You then all shared your favourite memory of the year accompanied by photos. Yours was, "Mummy coming in to talk about teddy bears" which is lovely!

They ended the assembly by trying to make all the parents cry by playing the song 'Let Them Be Little' by Billy Dean. The lyrics are lovely, and as my last few blog posts have all contained poems or lyrics, I thought I'd continue. This one reminds me that, despite all the progress you continue to make and the teenage attitude we often see(!), you're still just little. My little girl.

Let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while

Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day

Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle

Oh just let them be little

What a fabulous year. We are very proud parents. And your love for your beautiful wee sister still shines through. In fact, one comment on the report said something about you often being found writing cards to Phoebe.

So, as I said to you when we read your report, all you need to do is keep trying just as hard. And I know you will.
Your very very proud,
Mummy x

Don't grow up too soon

Dear girls,

It's been a long time since I blogged. I'm sorry. I kept thinking I should, but life is so busy. I thought about it after your Christmas performances when you were a fabulous Angel and a cheerleader(!); at Christmas when you were so delighted and grateful for your many many gifts; the many days when you have made me smile. I thought about it, but never did it.

Recently Phoebe has been loving Pooh's Heffalump Movie and in it Kanga puts Roo to bed and sings him a song. It makes me cry. The lyrics say :
Little Mister Roo
Reaching for the moon
So many things you've got to do
And no time for dreaming

Little Mister Roo
Let the stars shine over you
Don't grow up too fast too soon
Save some time for dreaming
Settle in, settle down
Let me see that sleepy yawn on your face
Close your eyes
I will love you completely
And always

Little Mister Roo
The moon shines silver over you
No one knows you like I do
And little Mister Roo
Reaching for the moon
Don't grow up too fast
Too soon

It just makes me think. E is 5 1/2 and growing up so fast. You're beautiful, tall, blonde and leggy. A mum's nightmare! You're doing really well at school, loving reading and maths, with lots of friends (especially your Year 5 buddy!) and such a  happy disposition. P is almost 3. Almost 3?! How is that possible?! It doesn't seem very long since you were a tiny tiny baby. You're loving nursery, learning all the time. A chatterbox like your sister and so very grateful for everything. When you get dressed in a morning, you ask who bought your clothes and then want to go and thank them for buying them!

Time flies when you have children, and I want to grab every moment and remember it. I wish I didn't have to work and could spend more moments with you, but I'm on a mission to make the most of the times we have. The cuddles, the love, the smiles. You're amazing!

So little Miss Tessie and Miss Phoebe, reaching for the moon.
Don't grow up too fast,
Too soon.

xxx

Identity Crisis

Dear Phoebe,

We named you Phoebe Faith. It was my choice of name, and Daddy agreed when he saw you arrive in the world. It's a beautiful name, taken from Paul's letter to the Romans in the Bible. Romans 16:1 says, "I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a deacon of the church in Cenchreae." - she was obviously an important woman in the early Christian church.

Somehow you got the nickname Doodles. I couldn't tell you where it comes from, but you're often called Phoebe-Doo, or Phoebe-Doodles, or just Doodles, which you happily answer to. Even Grandma and Grandpa call you Doodles at times! Esther even shortens that to Doo.

But recently, you've adopted lots of other personalities. You and Esther enjoy playing mummies. Sometimes you get your preferred role of Mummy, but sometimes you have to give in and be the baby; only the baby is always called Babes. Not sure where that came from, but whichever of you takes that role gets the name. If you're not playing mummies, you are friends, so you have to be called Friend. At those times I'm not allowed to use Phoebe to call you.

You are also (apparently!) a rabbit. Not just any kind, but a Baby Rabbit. There are times I'm expected to address you as such. At those times, I'm Mummy Rabbit, Daddy is Daddy Rabbit and Esther is Sister Rabbit. Oh and not forgetting the cat, on whom we bestowed the confusing non-feline name of Monkey. At Bunny-related moments, she is Monkey-Rabbit. Yes, Monkey-Rabbit....she's a cat. Hmmmm! And if all the Rabbits weren't tricky enough, you have a cuddly rabbit; she's called Little Girly. How logical!

There was a day your wet boots squeaked as you got into the car. That day you were Baby Mouse....all day. Well, until you changed (unannounced!) to one of the other names. It's hard work keeping up.

You are very patient though. I often call you other names, again I have no idea where they come from. For example I have called you Beans, Sausage, Gorgeous and Angel. The last one causes great upset as you tell me in no uncertain terms that you are "not a angel"! (Amusingly, I had a note from nursery today to say you are an Angel in the Christmas nativity.....see, Mummy is always right!!)

On a final note about names, you have always struggled to say Esther, with it coming out without the /s/, sounding like E-der. Your lovely sister has been very patient and allows you to say it 'wrong' without getting cross. Recently you have been able to tell it's not quite right. You know it is wrong if I say E-der, but you couldn't do it correctly. We weren't worried - I'm aware /s/ is one of the later sounds to be pronounced. But to the delight of both you and your sister, last night you suddenly starting making the /s/ sound, and can now say Esther. We are all very proud of you Phoebe, Baby Rabbit, Doodles, Little One....or whoever you are today.

Whichever name you choose, always know I love you Phoebe Faith.
Mummy x

New and exciting.

Dear Esther,

Tomorrow is a big day. Your first day at school. Wow, that has come around fast. I remember the day you came screaming into the world, I remember cuddling you as a tiny baby on the sofa, I even remember your first day at nursery, but school...I'm not sure how we got here so fast!

Your uniform is all named and set out ready for tomorrow, your bag has dinner money in it, and your water bottle (with owls on of course!) is sitting in the kitchen ready to be filled in the morning. I'm lucky, I get to take you school on your first day. As a teacher, I've watched lots of children arrive for their first day at school, and I've seen lots of parents wipe a tear (or two!) from their eyes as they walked out of the door. Now it's my turn, and I fear there may be a tear or two.

I shall miss you little Bear. I shall miss our day together in the week. We've had lots of fun and laughter on our girls' days. Phoebe and  I will be looking forward to picking you up on Thursdays. I hope you'll be as funny, sweet, polite and clever for your teachers as you are for me. I hope you're a little less stroppy though! I know you'll do well. You want to know everything, you're ready to learn, and you're so excited.

I found this poem, which sums it up quite well :

I wonder what you’re doing right now,

If everyone is treating you kind.

I hope there is a Special person,

A nice friend that you can find.

I wonder if the teacher knows,

Just how special you are to me.

If the brightness of your heart

is something she can see.

I wonder if you are thinking about me,

or if you need a hug.

I already miss the sound of your voice,

and how you give my leg a tug.

I wonder if you can understand

how hard it is for me to let you grow,

on this day know that my heart breaks,

      as this is the first step in letting my baby go.

So with a slightly chipped heart I shall hand you over tomorrow to Mrs. Fleming. I only hope she sees the shining light that burns in you, and nurtures it well. Enjoy it little Bear. Enjoy every moment, and be the very best you can.

Love you always,

Mummy x

Gazing up....

Dear Phoebe,

Tonight I watched as Daddy read your bedtime stories. You had chosen Noah, as always (how many times have we read that story?!) and Esther had chosen Peace at Last. Daddy read it with gusto....and sound effects. As he made all the funny noises in the story, you gazed up at him and it made me think. Will you always look up to your Daddy? Will he always be your hero? He's not perfect, trust me darling, he's not. But he's a good Daddy and he loves you to the moon and back.

I hope you have a hero. Someone to look up to. I can't imagine what music and celebrity will be doing by the time you're a teenager. We've been watching the 2012 Olympics for the last two weeks, and you've enjoyed that. There has been talk about how we should be encouraging our children to look up to these athletes, rather than the 'celebrities' they are surrounded by. They are certainly more deserving of the adoration.

You're growing up fast, and still hilarious. Currently you want to be a bunny. Amusing for Daddy and I, as we called you Bunny before you were born....Esther was Bear and you were Bunny. Strange how they have both stuck.

You start a new nursery in September, as we've moved you to make drop offs and pick ups easier. I hope you settle in there as well as you were settled at the old one. You're a sociable wee thing, so I'm sure you will. You had such love for the staff at the old nursery. You ran through the door to Carol every morning, with no backwards glance, and having a staff member called Phoebe was just the best thing ever for you.....especially as you were in Phoebe's group. You found it hilarious.

Keep smiling and laughing, little Bunny. Keep looking up to your gorgeous big sister, and reach for the stars.
Love you,
Mummy x

While I nurse you to sleep...

Dear Phoebe,


I read this blog recently, which made me smile and cry, and I thought I would steal the idea and write similar to you (as well as borrowing parts of that blog). So here goes....


While I nurse you to sleep... 
I rest.  I don't spend much time sitting down while you're awake, unless we sit to have milk. In the stillness of the evening I slowly relax onto your green rocking chair and let my mind and body stop. You gaze into my eyes and look at me in a totally trusting, loving, peaceful way.
Slowly, you snuggle closer, and each part of you relaxes. Your eyes close, your breathing settles and you slowly fall asleep.  I gaze at you a few moments longer, then slide away from you and place you in your bed, kissing your little cheek as I leave you to rest.

While I nurse you to sleep...
I take stock. I think about how lucky I am to have you and your big sister. I contemplate the washing mountain that is building up, the clean things that need putting away, the dry things on the airer that need taking down, and the basket of wet washing that needs hanging up. I work out how old I'll be when you are the age I am now - thirty one.......sixty! I hope I'll still see your smile. I plan the lessons I'll teach tomorrow, I think of the children I'll see, I count the books I'll mark.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I make plans. In my head, I write blog posts that usually don't get written! I mentally write lists of things I should do, and things I want to do. I wonder what you'll think when you look back at our time together. I hope you'll believe I did the right things for you and Esther, I hope you'll understand that I did everything I could for you both. I plan the fun things we'll do on our "girls' days", I think of the things I thought we'd do that we've never done. I plan to be a better mum.......I plan to accept myself as the mother I am. I hope it's good enough.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I time travel.  I see your face looking at me and remember the times when I nursed Esther in just the same way. Lying cuddled with me, you look just the same, and I'm grateful that I was able to feed both of you and give you the health benefits and snuggles of nursing. I remember places I've been, and people I've known. I think of places I would like to take you, memories I'd like to share with you, things I think you should know. I remember people who had an impact on my life, people I've lost touch with, people I'd like to see again. I look back on decisions I've made and wonder if they were the right ones, knowing in my heart that without those decisions I would not be sat with you in my arms, and realising that they must have been right as they got me to this moment in time. I fast forward to the future and wonder what it will bring, for me, for you, for us. I wish you happiness and love.


While I nurse you to sleep...
I feel frustrated. I think of all the other things I could be doing with this hour. I watch every evening melting away into a sea of nursing, nursing, nursing to sleep. Tiny teeth grate against my skin and I wish I could be somewhere else, anywhere, but here. I think of friends who tell me that their baby sleeps all night and I decide that I am mad or weird and wish I could be normal and 'put my baby down with a bottle' at seven pm and shut the door...and get dressed up, and go out dancing. You claw at me, and ask for more, and I try to hold my breath, hold my nerve, hold my patience. I hold you.

While I nurse you to sleep...
I notice. Sitting with you in the peace and quiet of the evening gives me time to look at you, really look at you. I see your eyes, like your Daddy's only bluer. I see your nose, the same cute button nose as your sister. I see your hair, waving all over the place like mine. I see how you are a part of each of us, as we are of you. I watch your breathing, stroke your face and hold you close to me. I wonder what you think about your 'milk', wonder when it will end....this time together just the two of us cuddled close as one.


Thank you Phoebe, for the privilege of nursing you to sleep. Thank you for being you.


All my love (and milk!),
Mummy x

Updates, new stuff and much fun

Dear girls,
Welcome to 2012! I can't believe it's now the middle of March and I haven't written anything. So much has happened, and I don't know where to start!

As I wrote last time, we have moved house. Bamber Bridge is lovely, the house is perfect and we are all loving it. You girls have a lovely bedroom, and now have big girls' beds! Even little P who isn't yet two has a grown up bed! Gorgeous. The lounge is huge and airy, the dining room (though needing patio doors to the outside!) is lovely if we ignore the decor, and has lots of room for toys. The kitchen is nice, and the garden is amazing! Well, not amazing to lots of people, but from nothing, it's truly fab! The trampoline is a great hit and we've had so much fun bouncing!

We've found a lovely church and you have some fun friends there. All is good!

E, you're all grown up! 4 1/2 and so fabulous. You love your wee sister so much, always cuddling and looking after her. You do all kinds of jobs to help me.....thank you so much! You're very excited about starting school. Still a few months to go, and we don't find out which school you will go to until the end of April.. You're hoping for the one you call 'the red school'....fingers crossed! I just can't believe you're old enough. If you had been born 32 days earlier, you'd be halfway through your first year at school. Madness. You're my baby! Still, I know you're ready for it. You've suddenly started reading. We got a first phonics book from the library last week and you just picked it up and read it cover to cover. Amazing! I'm so proud of you little one!

P, you're growing up fast too. Almost 2 years old. Where did the time go? When you lie in my arms having milk, I still see you as a tiny bear. Then you jump up, toddle off and talk to me, and I know you're not a baby really. You adore your big sister, and look just like her. On Monday I came into the Tweenie room at nursery to collect you and for once I was without E as she  had gone to wash her hands. You shouted "E-der" (you struggle with the /s/ sound!) and looked round for her. You were most put out. Then she appeared, your little face lit up and you wrapped your arms around her. Moments like that melt my heart! You truly are best friends.

Girls, I adore you. Thank you for making my life complete. It was Mothers' Day last Sunday, and I just spent the day counting my blessings, and thanking God for two little girls, and their Daddy, who truly make me complete.

God bless,
Mummy x

New adventures!

Dear Girls,

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while...I've been a bit busy. New and exciting things are afoot. Tomorrow we pick up the keys for our new house! Yes, we're moving.

We've had our house on the market for the last four years, since E was a tiny baby. No-one was interested, until some friends wanted to buy it to rent out. So now we're hours away from owning a new house....complete with a garden and a garage which were the two things E asked for.

It took you a little while to come round to the idea Esther. I guess when you're 4, the concept of 'moving house' is a little abstract. Still, I think you understand it now. You're certainly very excited about it.  We are as well. It is exciting, although a little daunting.

Daddy and I both feel like it's far too grown up a house for us! Madness eh?! I hope it's going to be a lovely family home.  It does feel odd to be leaving here too. Daddy has never lived outside the Valley in his living memory (he moved here when he was only 2), so he's understandably nervous. I just keep thinking about leaving this little house. It is a lovely house and a fabulous home. So much has happened here. Daddy and I bought it just before we got married, and it was the house we came home to the day after our wedding. We lived here, started careers here, conceived both of you here (sorry girls, was that too much information?!), and brought you both home here as tiny babies.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new adventure for our wee family.  Let's go girls, let's go enjoy that garden and lovely house!

Looking forward to lots of new experiences with you two.
Love,
Mummy x

Giggles and growing

Dear P,

I blogged about your sisters birthday recently, but it seems you're the one who is growing up quickly! Every day I seem to see something about you that is that little bit more grown up. I'm not sure where my tiny baby went!

You've moved out of the Baby Room at Nursery - now you're a Tweenie and loving it! You're loving playing outside on their fabulous outdoor area and climbing in the tunnel. You're also travelling in more grown up style, as we've finally moved you out of your baby car seat, into a forward facing set, just like E's. You think it's hilarious and E loves to hold your hand, or the two of you play passing things between you and giggling like a pair of loons.

Giggling is something you do a lot of! If you're not giggling when being tickled, you're up to mischief with your sister and giggling away in a corner of the house. Lots of things make you laugh.A few nights ago you were having your bedtime feed, when you looked at my left breast and giggled, then chortled, then laughed hilariously! I have no idea what was so funny, but it took you ages to feed, and when you did it was with a real smile in your eyes.

You know your own mind, and now you're saying yes and no and we certainly know what you are after! You always make yourself understood and every day new words are appearing. I didn't know you knew the word 'bowl' until you demanded one for your fruit flakes a few weeks ago! An amusing word to know and always well used!

And then there are new words......on Saturday evening we had been watching Strictly Come Dancing (for which you had picked up a cushion, and sat on the floor to watch!) and we were crawling round the floor laughing together, when you picked up a toy. It's a small stuffed rabbit-like creature - Little Nutbrown Hare from the story 'Guess How Much I Love You' (which I have blogged about previously as one of E's favourites). After you had cuddled the animal for a while, it was time for bed so I asked if you were bring Nutbrown Hare. You looked at me in a slightly confused way, and put the hare on your head! You did wonder why I was now the one laughing hilariously!

Keep laughing little one, and I'm certain you'll keep us laughing.
Yours, with giggles and love,
Mummy x

Happy Birthday Esther Bear!

Four.

That's a big number.  Well, it certainly feels like a big number to me! Four years ago you were born, a tiny screaming little Bear. I'd say I remember it well. but I was under general anaesthetic when you appeared in the world.

Four years on, and it seems like only yesterday! This weekend was your birthday. You asked for a party just like last year, so we hired the church centre and a bouncy castle, and invited all the people on your list! I always do as you tell me.

The requested present was a bike.....preferably with space for Milly to ride too. Happily a gorgeous bike was wrapped nicely for you for Sunday morning, and Milly enjoyed her ride along the pavement as you learned slowly to push the pedals forwards every time! Other favourites included a microphone, which has been sung into an awful lot, and a pram....a big girls' pram(!)....for Milly. She has been a very lucky doll!

So now you're four. Time to be more grown up than ever. Now you're planning Christmas, and also talking a lot about school next year. We were chatting the other day about school, and you asked whether we would still have a girls' day....it broke my heart a little to tell you that you would have to go to school every weekday, so you wouldn't be having a girls' day. I didn't dare to tell you that P would still have a Mummy day! Maybe we'll cross that bridge another day eh?!

Well, four is the new three. I'm hoping that this year for you will bring a new house, a garden to play in, a new school, new friends and who knows what else?! As long as it's the four of us together, it'll be fabulous!

Loving you always,
Mummy x

Letters and Sounds

Dear E,

I have posted before (multiple times!) about your love of books. You have always loved stories and we always read at bedtime. One long time favourite are the Apple Tree Farm stories. I don't think you've realised there is a duck hiding in every picture waiting for you to find it, but the stories are often read. You have to "read" the first page - This is Apple Tree Farm. This is Mrs Boot the farmer. She has two children called Poppy and Sam and a dog called Rusty.

You say it with such pride. I can imagine you in your first school assembly, or nativity play, reciting the lines you have practised again and again. It's lovely to see your face as you think you can read it.

I would love to teach you to read. I'd love to unlock that love for words....and books. The thrill of being able to decode the squiggles on the page is immense. I've been putting it off as I don't want you to be labelled at school as a teacher's daughter, and for your teachers to think I'm a pushy mum. I'm not.....yet! Although your obsession with sounds and letters is growing. Tonight driving home you were talking about 'needing' a trumpet (which made me laugh anyway!), but then you sounded it out; "t...r...u...p...i....t". I was so impressed. Maybe we'll start a bit of letter/sound recognition soon eh?!

You're also still hilarious. You adore Sarah, a nursery nurse at Little Acorns. She is apparently your best ever friend, equal only to Phoebe in your love! She teaches you all kinds of little phrases - the latest was "I'm worth it"....a lot like the L'Oreal advert. Sounds very cute coming from your little mouth!

The love for Phoebe knows no bounds though. You would do anything for her, give anything to her and share everything with her. Walking out of nursery tonight, you were talking about a cake you had made and decorated today, while carrying it out to the car. You told Phoebe (completely unprompted) that you would share it with her when we got home....and you did. So so kind.

You're a star, and I love you,

Mummy xxx

It's been a while...

Dear girls,

Sorry I haven't written for a while. I'm not sure why, you have done plenty of fabulous things, but I haven't had the words to write. Today I'm trying to repair that.

You've both grown up a lot since I last wrote. E you have grown physically. You used to be quite small for your age, but now (at nearly 4.....where did the time go?!!) you've suddenly shot up in height. You're blonde and leggy! Definitely beautiful, and very cheeky! You still think you're in charge and your favourite word is still 'Why?' but your grin and sparkly blue eyes make me smile constantly.

You have a new favourite film - the Wizard of Oz. I had to buy you a Dorothy costume, shortly followed by Dorothy shoes(!) and we have watched the film so many times! And you have learned lots of new nursery rhymes - mainly read to you by Grandpa and now being read back to him. Talking of reading, you're obsessed by initial sounds. We spend a lot of our car journeys with you working out what sounds different words start with. You love to 'read' books you know well. Especially the first page of the Apple Tree Farm books!!! We love Mrs Boot, Poppy and Sam.

P, you have made massive progress recently...finally learning to walk unaided! You have been pootling around holding our hands for months, but last Sunday you finally let go of the furniture decisively and walked across the room. We all clapped, and you proceeded to do it again and again! On Wednesday, I bought you your first shoes! I'm glad that you love them, and you regularly ask me in your own special way to put them on for you.

You're a bookworm like your sister. You spend half your days bringing me the little books for me to read to you. You are very good at tidying up though. If I offer you a box or bag, you'll put everything away it in very carefully!

Girls, you are both so fabulous. You make me smile every day. I love you.

Mummy x

Taking care

Dear E,

You are very very caring, especially to your little sister, and it's lovely to see. You two love cuddles, and P gets very excited when you hug her.

Today you were most concerned about your favourite nursery nurse. You go to nursery 2 days each week, but next week is my half term, and we're off camping. So you'll miss two days and you were evidently concerned about how Sarah would cope without you. You had apparently asked Irham (another nursery nurse) whether she was in next week. When she confirmed she was, you asked her if she could please look after Sarah as you weren't going to be there!!! I love it! (Not sure how you think she copes on the days you're not in, but hey!)

You have also picked up another very cute habit. My parents (your Grandma and Grandpa) always say 'Take care' when we part, and you have picked this up. Thus every time I leave you with them and drive off to work, I am followed by your shouts of 'TAKE CARE!' at top volume!

Hope you're taking care, little bear,

Mummy x

Apologies, similarities, guilt and bedtime stories!

Dear E,

Tonight you went to bed without a bedtime story. I think it's only the second time ever. You had hit Daddy and then refused to apologise. My short temper kicked in and I took away the only thing left in the day....the stories. You're a clever girl, you knew what you had done wrong, you knew what you had lost and why you had lost it, and you even had the good grace not to strop about it.

I feel so guilty though. I had to assuage that by offering to read you the books in the morning. You went to sleep without a sound....tomorrow, we'll be reading those stories!

The trouble is, little bear, you and I are too similar! I find myself arguing with you and have to remind myself that you are only three!! We are both quick to anger, and too fast to react to things. Oh and both convinced we are right.....all...the...time! (I am right, of course....I'm your Mum!)

I am certainly not looking forward to your teenage years. I think maybe I'll have to move out while you're a teenager!

Talking of my guilt at taking away your bedtime story tonight, this Mummy malarky is quite tricky. It comes with built in guilt. Permanent guilt. Guilt about anything and everything and it's very very strange. The guilt thing was something I thought I wouldn't suffer from. I'm quite a confident person really, and happy in my decisions. I certainly feel like, alongside Daddy, we have made the right decisions for you two.

But then people make comments. Usually not aimed at me, but still make me think. Make me wonder whether I do do the right things, feed you the right things, let you do the right things, etc, etc. It's very easy to let the paranoia pop in.

I also try very hard to praise you two all the time. But then there is a balance. I try to align myself with things I have read about general praise being harmful, and thus praise you for specific things. I also try to remember to praise you for who you are as well as what you do. Then I just try to throw compliments at you, and hope they are the things that penetrate into your subconscious.

The balance is difficult. I just hope you and P grow up knowing that we always tried to do the best for you.

Looking forward to reading those stories with you in the morning,

Love you always,

Mummy x

Celebrations!

Dear P,

Happy Birthday Gorgeous Little One!

Today is your first birthday. I cannot work out where the last year has gone. A year. 52 weeks. 365 days. Wow. It truly blows my mind.

You're still as gorgeous as ever, and very very smiley. Everyone comments on your smile....maybe because it's permanent! Lots of old ladies like to chat to you, and tell us how gorgeous you are.

This morning started with E coming in to wish you a happy birthday. She sang to you as soon as she saw you, for which you beamed! Then she gave you her present - a wee Miffy. You cuddled it straight away which thrilled E. She adores you, and you adore her. Sisterly love, completely! I thought things might change, but we've had a year of adoration with never a cross word....long may it continue!

Today we had a family day - the bonus of a Mummy who doesn't work Wednesdays, and a Daddy who can get days off occasionally! We were hoping to go to Blackpool Zoo as you seem to love animals, but it was very cold and slightly rainy, so we decided against it. Instead, a trip to the Sea Zoo was much enjoyed. You especially liked the tunnels where the fish and sharks swam above us...your little face was a picture.

Lunch in Debenhams, a touch of shopping and a play on the slot machines (well, not for you...you just watched and ultimately fell asleep!) completed our time in Blackpool. Very similar to your big sister's last birthday!! But we all enjoyed it, and we finished it off with a trip to a Carvery pub where you munched your way happily through yorkshire pudding and plenty of meat!!

Party is Saturday with the family with a rabbit-shaped cake (in theory!) made by Mummy and E! Hope you like it, wee one!

So a year on, it feels like you've always been here. The four day labour was worth every minute. Your sister adores you and wouldn't be without you (and never mentioned that she was convinced you were a boy, and would be called Five!). I can't wait to see what the next year holds. Hopefully walking on your own, talking, and much much more!

Love you always, my little one year old,

Mummy xxx

Resilience and smiles

Dear P,

On Saturday you stuck your tongue out at me. Some may say it was cheeky, but it really made me smile! It was the first time you had ever done it. As I've blogged previously, you were born with a tongue tie and we decided to get it snipped.

You were 11 months old so it was a procedure done under general anaesthetic. You weren't allowed any milk after 5am, so typically you slept through, and I had to wake you at 4.30am to give you some milk. You looked at me like I was mad! But then I couldn't get you back to sleep so we were up early! We were in Preston Hospital at 7.30am, and you smiled at people for a while. By 9am you were hungry and not impressed that we were withholding breakfast.

You went down to surgery just after 10am. I carried you down with Penguin and leaving you in the anaesthetic room was horrible. You were asleep and fine and I knew they would look after you. I also knew you wouldn't be gone for long, but it was still scary leaving you in there and walking out clutching Penguin.

25ish minutes later we were called into recovery. You were crying on the recovery nurse, but I cuddled you and fed you and you were fine. We were wheeled back to the ward and you spent half the journey smiling at the porter!!! After a nap (where we took some very cute photos of you!) you were back to your normal smiley self. You charmed all the nurses and munched your way through toast and lots of other things very soon. No lasting damage at all!

So the tongue poking out was confirmation that they had snipped it for you. Here's hoping you'll never be in hospital again my darling!

Just under a week later you showed your remarkable resilience again. Daddy had has his gall bladder removed a week before your op, and on his first day back at work after a fortnight off, he ended up in agony and took a trip to A&E. I got the call to say he'd been taken in just as I came to pick you and E up from Grandma and Grandpa's house. They kept hold of you two while I raced to the hospital to see him. He wasn't well, so we decided that you would have to sleep at Grandma and Grandpa's that night. I popped back and fed you quickly, but you were happy as ever.

That night you were very brave. First night away from us and you coped admirably. Though I believe you spent a lot of the night sleeping on Grandpa's chest in the lounge!! Good job he retired and didn't have to go to work the following day. I am very proud of you for being so brave. Nothing phases you does it?! (I was awake most of the night worrying about you!)

Well done little P.

You rock!

Love Mummy x

Smiles, crawling and hospitals!

Dear P,

I was thinking recently that you get less letters on here than your sister....I guess she does more than you at the moment. But that doesn't stop you being gorgeous.

You've settled well at nursery and you're coping well with my return to work. You seem to be growing every day and you're much bigger than E was at your age. You're also still looking much like she did which is a source of amusement as we look at baby photos trying to work out which of you it is. There are definite differences though. Grandpa commented the other day about your smile. It lights up the room! E had a gorgeous smile, and it really was very similar to yours, but her eyes were a more intense blue than yours so you noticed them first, where with you it is definitely your smile that lights up your face. Gorgeous, truly gorgeous.

You've also started to cuddle right into us, which is just lovely. You've always been a cuddly baby, but now you initiate cuddles, and snuggle with up close. You also blow kisses, and yesterday you were leaning in to kiss my face. Too cute for words!

You now have two bottom teeth, which were painful for you for a while (and now are only painful for me when you trick me into putting my finger into your and then chomping down hard!). You're not bothering to move much though. You sit very solidly and love sitting playing with a box of toys. You now try to move one leg under you so you look as though you are about to crawl off, but you haven't mastered that yet. If we put you on your hands and knees, you look at us like we're mad and then cry! You love being up on your feet, but don't seem to appreciate that you need a little balance, so you have to hold on tight to our hands. You'll get there in your own time, and for now I'm enjoying being able to put you down and come back to you still in the same place. After all, why move when you have a devoted big sister who will bring you anything you want!

The next couple of weeks are due to be a little hospital related! Daddy has gall stones and is havig his gall bladder removed on Thursday. We'll go and stay at Grandma and Grandpa's but apart from that life should be too different for you. Here's hoping all goes well for him. And then a week after that it's your turn, baby girl. You have a tongue tie, which I noticed as soon as you were born, but division is rarely done in small babies unless it affects feeding. You never suffered from this problem, but it concerns me that it may affect your speech, so we're having it divided. Only a tiny operation, but it does need a general anaesthetic. I'm sorry for putting you through it, but it is with your best interests at heart. So I'll be with you and hopefully Daddy too if he's recovered from his op. Here's just hoping E doesn't decide to compete and need a hospital too!

Big smiley snuggles,

Mummy x

Dear E,

“You can kid the world. But not your sister”

Charlotte Gray

Sisters, and best friends. That's you and P. You regularly tell us she is your "best best ever friend", and long may it continue. Thank you for loving her, and thank you for looking after her at Grandma's and nursery. She is settling into nursery and you're loving having her there. I thought it was lovely that you always ask if you can go upstairs to the baby room to see her at nursery...until the staff told me that you like to go up, say hello to P, and then play with the babies' toys and not speak to your sister again! I guess it's a bit like at home, where you prefer her toys to your own!

You're hilarious to talk to these days, and you do keep me entertained.Things like sitting on the edge of the frame of Polly (the rocking horse!) and holding your baby monitor.....stroking it and calling it your guinea pig! It's called Phoebe apparently!

You're also obsessed by your 'baby'. She was a first birthday gift - the only non-scary-looking doll I could find not dressed in pink! She has recently been given a name, Milly....so at least we know now! But her Daddy apparently lives in the attic, and her sister is called Coda (the same as Aunty Sharon's dog!). I had to clarify to nursery that there was no other baby, and I hope they realised that Daddy isn't left in the attic all the time! Oh and Milly's Daddy is called Matt....obviously!

Last week we had sadness in the family. Your great grandad passed away. Very sad times. I didn't want to take you to the funeral so you didn't see the sadness, but we did talk about him, and about what had happened. You took it well, and seem to understand that he is in Heaven. I love the mental image you give us about him playing with Chewy the cat. However, on the day of the funeral, we had a lovely conversation :

E: Where are your Ma and Pa?

M: In Heaven

E: With Chewy?

M:Yes.

E: And with Great Grandad Lack?

M: Yes my love.

E: So they are with God in Heaven?

M: Yes

E: Is God ill?

M: No darling, God made the world!

E: (disbelieving) No he didn't *giggle*

M: No really, he did

E: But not the sun

M: Yes darling, he made the sun as well., God made everything

E: (giggles) But he didn't pop the sun out

M: He did honestly (trying to think of a new way to explain the creation story!)

E: But he didn't pop the sun out today Mummy...[E points at the window]...it's raining!

Keep on thinking my darling, and keep on making us giggle,

Love always,

Mummy x

How time flies....

Dear girls,

Let me take you back to the 12th March 2010. I was 8 months pregnant with a lovely (wriggly!) bump and I was feeling pretty emotional about leaving school to start my maternity leave. I was randomly crying (and blaming hormones!) about things like the thought of giving birth again, how to cope with two children and whether I was ruining E's life by making her share everything with a younger sibling.

It feels like only last week. How have 10 months gone so fast?

As it turns out, birth was a pretty good experience, having two kids is amazing, and E, you just adore your little sister, who in turn looks up to you and melts my heart!

Tomorrow is the start of a new chapter. Four days a week of childcare for you and work for me! I feel very strange about it. As I blogged before, I'm sure you'll be ok. P hasn't been enjoying nursery that much, but I know how much you love Grandma so I'm sure you'll be ok. I'm not that keen on my job but I know I can do what I've been asked to do, so I'll be fine. Tonight I'm feeling slightly more worried as I had convinced myself P would be ok as E was at nursery too so could go and cuddle her if needed. Today E is ill - ears as usual! - and I don't think she'll be at nursery tomorrow. I'm sure P will be ok, but it's one more thing to worry about!!

Anyway, I best go pack the bags for tomorrow.....need to be more organised!!!

Love you, even when I'm not with you,

Mummy xxx